So, Alex just quit going to school about 3 weeks ago. He went a week and a half "faking it". He would leave the house about the designated time and just drive around until class was over. He has now officially been administratively withdrawn. We are scratching our heads and trying to figure out a why? and a what now?
Why?
1) He was doing well...is he actually afraid of success?
2) Was he just going through the motions and when papers and mid-terms came up...he was unprepared and to avoid the confrontation just quit going to class?
3) Was getting his part time job at Hardee's that he started the day before he quit going to class too much?
4) Is he just not good at school?
5) Is he just a lazy SOB?
6) Is his video/computer addiction causing him to be unsuccessful?
7) Does he just not give a damn?
8) Do we put too much pressure on him?
9) All of the above
10) None of the above
What now?
That one is a bit easier...he has bills to pay now that he has chosen to be an adult and join the working world and not the student world.
We are actually easy on him....in exchange for room and board and cell phone and use of a car we pay for he...he pays $100/ week plus an extra $100/month for his car insurance. That is one hell of a deal, considering the way we keep our pantry stocked and the fact that once he starts paying regularly he can move out of the guest room and have his own bedroom and bathroom in the basement...almost a full apartment.
BUT THE KID WON'T GET OFF HIS ASS TO LOOK FOR A JOB WITH ENOUGH HOURS TO PAY HIS BILLS.
His job at Hardee's is only 3 days a week...about 18 hours at min wage. Perfect for a college student...$200 every 2 weeks for gas and spending money and a bit to save for next semesters books....but not enough to pay the above bills...much less what it would cost to live in real life!
Any suggestions appreciated!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Friday, January 31, 2014
Autism is not an excuse not to parent.
Over Christmas, I had several parties at my house. On Christmas Eve, one side of the family was over...with their 10 year old (verbal, mildly delayed but regular classroom) ADHD/ASD son.
He grabbed some food (fried chicken) and put it on a plate and went and sat in the living room eating it with his bare hands. (it was a boneless skinless breast...for the southerners from Georgia where it is illegal to eat chicken with a fork...goggle it!)
My 3 dogs were all staring at him and he began to whine that they were getting to close to him. My husband told him that in the living room it was the dogs territory and that if he didn't want the dogs to bother him, he should get up and move to the table...10 feet away with wonderful sight lines all around....he wouldn't be missing anything!
He continued to whine, in the living room, until his mother (in her own whiny voice) asked us to please "deal with our dogs".
The next day, we cooked a big Christmas dinner and had another branch of the family over....along with their 10 yo (just beginning to be verbal, severely affected) ASD son.
You guessed it, he used the tongs to get some food and put it on a plate and went to sit in the living room on the couch.
Yep, all three dogs were staring at him, but he was ignoring them as well. (they are well trained not to take food from anyone as we are hoping to make the two youngest therapy dogs). Again, my husband told him that if he didn't want the dogs to bother him, he should move to the table.
HE got up and walked to the table, set his plate down and resumed eating.
AMAZING what great parenting can do....
AND as an aside....verbal or not, motor skills or not, self-stimming or not, eye contact or not....has NOTHING whatsoever to do with IQ or ability to understand and process information. I am blessed with the children in my life who have opened my eyes to the fact that lack of expression is not a lack of knowledge! (And some lack of knowledge is a parents fault for just not teaching!)
He grabbed some food (fried chicken) and put it on a plate and went and sat in the living room eating it with his bare hands. (it was a boneless skinless breast...for the southerners from Georgia where it is illegal to eat chicken with a fork...goggle it!)
My 3 dogs were all staring at him and he began to whine that they were getting to close to him. My husband told him that in the living room it was the dogs territory and that if he didn't want the dogs to bother him, he should get up and move to the table...10 feet away with wonderful sight lines all around....he wouldn't be missing anything!
He continued to whine, in the living room, until his mother (in her own whiny voice) asked us to please "deal with our dogs".
The next day, we cooked a big Christmas dinner and had another branch of the family over....along with their 10 yo (just beginning to be verbal, severely affected) ASD son.
You guessed it, he used the tongs to get some food and put it on a plate and went to sit in the living room on the couch.
Yep, all three dogs were staring at him, but he was ignoring them as well. (they are well trained not to take food from anyone as we are hoping to make the two youngest therapy dogs). Again, my husband told him that if he didn't want the dogs to bother him, he should move to the table.
HE got up and walked to the table, set his plate down and resumed eating.
AMAZING what great parenting can do....
AND as an aside....verbal or not, motor skills or not, self-stimming or not, eye contact or not....has NOTHING whatsoever to do with IQ or ability to understand and process information. I am blessed with the children in my life who have opened my eyes to the fact that lack of expression is not a lack of knowledge! (And some lack of knowledge is a parents fault for just not teaching!)
Monday, January 27, 2014
They may drive us batty but we love them, all the same!
I was at work today seeing a child who was actually in the office with an ear infection with his 3 1/2 mo baby brother who was there for vaccines. Mom initially declined vaccines because the baby was sick, but when I pointed out he was well on my exam, and already a month and a half late, she agreed. Grandma spoke up saying, "I don't hold with vaccines, they cause Autism. My grandson was perfectly fine till the day he got some shots and then the next day he had Autism." I tried to hold a reasonable discussion of the scientific literature, but grandma was adamant, "I seen it with my own eyes...but its her kid, she can do what she wants." She says, "That one there already has behavior problems (the three year old) but I don't care, I just take care of 'em."
I was so upset and ready to rant and rave on a blog today about stupid parents and grandparents who are uninformed and won't listen to reason when they drop this bombshell on me.
"I don't hold with his other grandma. I won't let her take care of 'em. She believes that the treatment for Autism is handcuffing 'em to a pole in the basement." "WHAT?" I say as tear begin to well in my eyes..."she isn't that lady from last year with that poor child in the basement for 4 months?" "Yes, she is!" the mother replies. "That was my husbands brother they locked up. My son (the three year old) was in the house with them at the time."
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/02/07/missouri-teen-allegedly-handcuffed-to-pole-in-parents-basement-for-months/
http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/06/us/missouri-teen-basement/index.html
Copy and paste the link to the horrific story.
I just don't know what to say....I am stunned and horrified. I knew this story happened and was so distressed when I heard, but it all just brings it back.
As frustrated as I get with my son, as exhausted as I see the parents in my practice....I can never imagine the kind of person who would do that to a child! Today, I am grateful my son has me as a parent...for no matter how much I screw up when raising him, he always has safety and security and love...and isn't that really all kids need?
I was so upset and ready to rant and rave on a blog today about stupid parents and grandparents who are uninformed and won't listen to reason when they drop this bombshell on me.
"I don't hold with his other grandma. I won't let her take care of 'em. She believes that the treatment for Autism is handcuffing 'em to a pole in the basement." "WHAT?" I say as tear begin to well in my eyes..."she isn't that lady from last year with that poor child in the basement for 4 months?" "Yes, she is!" the mother replies. "That was my husbands brother they locked up. My son (the three year old) was in the house with them at the time."
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/02/07/missouri-teen-allegedly-handcuffed-to-pole-in-parents-basement-for-months/
http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/06/us/missouri-teen-basement/index.html
Copy and paste the link to the horrific story.
I just don't know what to say....I am stunned and horrified. I knew this story happened and was so distressed when I heard, but it all just brings it back.
As frustrated as I get with my son, as exhausted as I see the parents in my practice....I can never imagine the kind of person who would do that to a child! Today, I am grateful my son has me as a parent...for no matter how much I screw up when raising him, he always has safety and security and love...and isn't that really all kids need?
The rest of the story
This is a continuation of the last two posts....I'll pick up in 11th grade.
Alex lost one of his very best friends in a car accident just about a month after diagnosis. It definitely rocked our little world. I will talk more on his coping another time. His grades from that quarter were awful, but we had an IEP finally. They gave him a word processor (he never used), frequent teacher follow through and communication with me. Some of his grades, like English, were the best ever and others, like Spanish...he barely passed.
Life was rocky at home to. I was relieved to finally have a diagnosis. Now, I could finally quit blaming myself for not "raising him right". My husband, his step-dad, I don't think bought into it though. He seemed to feel like it was just an excuse that Alex was using to get away with being whiny and lazy. Junior year went by quickly, and summer...with no car or license...and being gone to his dad's part of the time...didn't make sense for him to try and get a job. I knew he couldn't balance working and High School. He took his ACT in the spring of his junior year and got a 20 the first time. He admitted he didn't even do the reading section...1/4th of the test because his friends had told him it was "hard"...and he ran to see us in a wrestling tournament in the same building as the test and got back late and was short of time. He took it again over the summer and got a 25...whew. That was the magic number we needed.
Alex picked out his college, Spring of his junior year. Ok...so I picked out his college and he said "fine". It is a small private college, where class sizes are anywhere from 5-30 people and the graduating class is about 250/year. A much smaller school than the mega-High School he had gone to. He love the campus tour...and the fact that part of the campus was underground and had caves that "smelled right" to him. He liked the dorm rooms and the plan was for him to live on campus. He intially was going for a psychology major, but has since changed to Elementary Education.
Senior year was rough. First semester seemed to go ok. His grades were adequate. Second semester, he got a bit of senioritis. For the first time, he had two guy friends he would go walk around the mall with or hang out with. They both had cars, so he was beginning to see that getting a license was a good thing. He got his learners permit. We took him on a cruise for spring break for his senior trip. Just him! We left the two younger boys at home because they weren't an adult yet. He turned 18 and got a tattoo. (Which he payed for with his birthday and grade money!) I thought things were finally going his way, until the car ride to Texas...when he finally admitted that he had not done the 6-8 page paper that was due in English while we were gone and would be flunking English (which is, of course, required for graduation!) He also didn't take his pill that morning....so a lot of arguing and yelling happened (mostly by me) in that 10 hours of being locked up in a car together. I threatened to send him to his dad if he didn't graduate....his dad threatened him, via phone, and told him he would not be welcome there. We found a computer at the hotel in Texas and he whipped out an 8 page paper in about 3 hours, complete with sources. I don't remember what it was about but it was decent. Off on vacation we go! We come home to an F on the paper anyway. His teacher wrote that it was a really good rough draft, and had it been turned in as such, she could have helped him over the three revisions to make it a potentially A paper...but it was only a first draft...grr! So, here he is in March failing English...and numerically not enough points in the rest of the year to bring it up. Well, low and behold, a new assignment comes up (apparently my son was not the only kid in the class in that situation and it doesn't look good for a school to fail a bunch of AP/honors English Lit kids). The teacher was nice enough to meet Alex every day and help him get it right....and I reminded him every day to go. He got an A on that assignment! Go figure, I think the teacher basically wrote it for him. 3 days before he is due to walk across the stage, we find out he is indeed graduating.
After graduation, he was to start looking for a job....and take drivers ed and start driving. We have lots of places in walking distance he could apply at and way more in biking distance. He would say he was going and applying, but unfortunately, his dad gave him a laptop for graduation and we all know what happens when a spectrum kid gets a new electronic toy! Finally, his dad decides in mid-June to have him come stay with him for 6 weeks to quote...and I really quote..."Teach him all the things that he needs to know to be a man that my husband and I failed to do for the last 18 years". Of the three weeks he was there without his little brother, his dad was away on vacation for 2. Yep, son, that's how you be a real man...you dump your responsibilities on other people. Alex came home in early August...having earned $700 for doing jobs for his dad, like laundry and dishes and yard work. I had thought his dad had found him a summer job on the campus where he worked or I am not sure I would have let him go.
August was a blur. Alex passed his driving test on the first attempt and we bought him a car. He packed up his stuff to move to the dorm. (we had already moved his brother into his room). I helped him find a job at a local restaurant that my co-workers daughter worked at. He was all payed up for college, and even managed to keep his scholarship for half of his tuition. We went to the parent meeting and dropped his stuff off. We went to buy books...I told him where to go to finish his student loan paperwork and sign up for a mentor, and he said he would the next day. The parents were escorted off campus and told to leave our baby birds in good hands! Alex almost instantly bonded with some of the kids in his room and hall. He was doing well at work and liked all but one of his classes. They were "easy" he said compared to his HS courses. (NO ENGLISH...lol) He was going to help with the play. He planned to come home every weekend to eat but that fell through because he was so busy.
December, I found out it was all lies. I called him at the start of finals week and said, "You know they will mail me your grades, so you had better tell me the truth". He broke down and had a 4 hour session where he admitted to my husband, and not to me, that he was suicidal. He had been kicked out of all but 2 classes, and one of those he had failed. He got a B in theatre though...apparently that was the only class he still attempted to attend. He had been fired from his job over a month ago. He would just sit in his dorm room all day. His friends and the RA's had no idea. We got him in to the psychiatrist, but she felt it was just because of the situation and opted not to hospitalize him. We met with Jeannie, the AS specialist, who reassured me that worse things have happened...and even NT kiddos flunk out their freshman year. We met with the school, and figured out he would be allowed to enroll again. I went with him to sign up for a school mentor, which he should have had all along. She meets with him weekly to set his schedule and will monitor his attendance and grade and call me if there are issue. He isn't thrilled with the classes this semester, but since he didn't register till the last minute there weren't any choices. The guy next door has been mentoring him since early this month on job training skills and interview skills and had gone with him to apply at over 20 jobs but he still hasn't found one. I finally took his computer away, until he gets a job, unless he needs it for school. He has been working hard around the house and dipped into all of his Christmas money to pay for gas. He has perfect attendance at school...but it is just week three. He is spending some time with his friends, some time looking for a job, some time doing homework (supposedly) and some time at home...a good balance!
So...we are up to day....onward and upward....
Alex lost one of his very best friends in a car accident just about a month after diagnosis. It definitely rocked our little world. I will talk more on his coping another time. His grades from that quarter were awful, but we had an IEP finally. They gave him a word processor (he never used), frequent teacher follow through and communication with me. Some of his grades, like English, were the best ever and others, like Spanish...he barely passed.
Life was rocky at home to. I was relieved to finally have a diagnosis. Now, I could finally quit blaming myself for not "raising him right". My husband, his step-dad, I don't think bought into it though. He seemed to feel like it was just an excuse that Alex was using to get away with being whiny and lazy. Junior year went by quickly, and summer...with no car or license...and being gone to his dad's part of the time...didn't make sense for him to try and get a job. I knew he couldn't balance working and High School. He took his ACT in the spring of his junior year and got a 20 the first time. He admitted he didn't even do the reading section...1/4th of the test because his friends had told him it was "hard"...and he ran to see us in a wrestling tournament in the same building as the test and got back late and was short of time. He took it again over the summer and got a 25...whew. That was the magic number we needed.
Alex picked out his college, Spring of his junior year. Ok...so I picked out his college and he said "fine". It is a small private college, where class sizes are anywhere from 5-30 people and the graduating class is about 250/year. A much smaller school than the mega-High School he had gone to. He love the campus tour...and the fact that part of the campus was underground and had caves that "smelled right" to him. He liked the dorm rooms and the plan was for him to live on campus. He intially was going for a psychology major, but has since changed to Elementary Education.
Senior year was rough. First semester seemed to go ok. His grades were adequate. Second semester, he got a bit of senioritis. For the first time, he had two guy friends he would go walk around the mall with or hang out with. They both had cars, so he was beginning to see that getting a license was a good thing. He got his learners permit. We took him on a cruise for spring break for his senior trip. Just him! We left the two younger boys at home because they weren't an adult yet. He turned 18 and got a tattoo. (Which he payed for with his birthday and grade money!) I thought things were finally going his way, until the car ride to Texas...when he finally admitted that he had not done the 6-8 page paper that was due in English while we were gone and would be flunking English (which is, of course, required for graduation!) He also didn't take his pill that morning....so a lot of arguing and yelling happened (mostly by me) in that 10 hours of being locked up in a car together. I threatened to send him to his dad if he didn't graduate....his dad threatened him, via phone, and told him he would not be welcome there. We found a computer at the hotel in Texas and he whipped out an 8 page paper in about 3 hours, complete with sources. I don't remember what it was about but it was decent. Off on vacation we go! We come home to an F on the paper anyway. His teacher wrote that it was a really good rough draft, and had it been turned in as such, she could have helped him over the three revisions to make it a potentially A paper...but it was only a first draft...grr! So, here he is in March failing English...and numerically not enough points in the rest of the year to bring it up. Well, low and behold, a new assignment comes up (apparently my son was not the only kid in the class in that situation and it doesn't look good for a school to fail a bunch of AP/honors English Lit kids). The teacher was nice enough to meet Alex every day and help him get it right....and I reminded him every day to go. He got an A on that assignment! Go figure, I think the teacher basically wrote it for him. 3 days before he is due to walk across the stage, we find out he is indeed graduating.
After graduation, he was to start looking for a job....and take drivers ed and start driving. We have lots of places in walking distance he could apply at and way more in biking distance. He would say he was going and applying, but unfortunately, his dad gave him a laptop for graduation and we all know what happens when a spectrum kid gets a new electronic toy! Finally, his dad decides in mid-June to have him come stay with him for 6 weeks to quote...and I really quote..."Teach him all the things that he needs to know to be a man that my husband and I failed to do for the last 18 years". Of the three weeks he was there without his little brother, his dad was away on vacation for 2. Yep, son, that's how you be a real man...you dump your responsibilities on other people. Alex came home in early August...having earned $700 for doing jobs for his dad, like laundry and dishes and yard work. I had thought his dad had found him a summer job on the campus where he worked or I am not sure I would have let him go.
August was a blur. Alex passed his driving test on the first attempt and we bought him a car. He packed up his stuff to move to the dorm. (we had already moved his brother into his room). I helped him find a job at a local restaurant that my co-workers daughter worked at. He was all payed up for college, and even managed to keep his scholarship for half of his tuition. We went to the parent meeting and dropped his stuff off. We went to buy books...I told him where to go to finish his student loan paperwork and sign up for a mentor, and he said he would the next day. The parents were escorted off campus and told to leave our baby birds in good hands! Alex almost instantly bonded with some of the kids in his room and hall. He was doing well at work and liked all but one of his classes. They were "easy" he said compared to his HS courses. (NO ENGLISH...lol) He was going to help with the play. He planned to come home every weekend to eat but that fell through because he was so busy.
December, I found out it was all lies. I called him at the start of finals week and said, "You know they will mail me your grades, so you had better tell me the truth". He broke down and had a 4 hour session where he admitted to my husband, and not to me, that he was suicidal. He had been kicked out of all but 2 classes, and one of those he had failed. He got a B in theatre though...apparently that was the only class he still attempted to attend. He had been fired from his job over a month ago. He would just sit in his dorm room all day. His friends and the RA's had no idea. We got him in to the psychiatrist, but she felt it was just because of the situation and opted not to hospitalize him. We met with Jeannie, the AS specialist, who reassured me that worse things have happened...and even NT kiddos flunk out their freshman year. We met with the school, and figured out he would be allowed to enroll again. I went with him to sign up for a school mentor, which he should have had all along. She meets with him weekly to set his schedule and will monitor his attendance and grade and call me if there are issue. He isn't thrilled with the classes this semester, but since he didn't register till the last minute there weren't any choices. The guy next door has been mentoring him since early this month on job training skills and interview skills and had gone with him to apply at over 20 jobs but he still hasn't found one. I finally took his computer away, until he gets a job, unless he needs it for school. He has been working hard around the house and dipped into all of his Christmas money to pay for gas. He has perfect attendance at school...but it is just week three. He is spending some time with his friends, some time looking for a job, some time doing homework (supposedly) and some time at home...a good balance!
So...we are up to day....onward and upward....
More background....revised from Jan 2012
I realized that I sort of left the past hanging....I stopped the story at 4th grade and he is in 11th now. For the sake of completeness (if that is a word), I'll finish the story.
Third grade was the year his father and I got divorced. Over the summer before 4th, we moved to a new house and he went to a new school...with Mrs. Wonderful, the worlds best teacher. I started dating again, a guy who's son I was convinced had AS. Strange how I could see all the signs in him but not my own son. This kid was a great kid...but definately had AS. He loved to turn in circles, hated to be touched or hugged...even by his parents. He couldn't make eye contact and would look down and away when asked a question. He would answer questions with brief sentences. He had a NT younger sister, who was the same age as my AS kiddo. Those 4 made quite the group. Nobody thought any behaviors were strange....everyone understood weird or odd behaviors.
At this point, Alex, my son was deeply involved in community theatre. I have read recently that it is a great activity for AS kids. They seem to have no stage fright, their loud speech and over exaggerated facial expressions are prized. They memorize scripts of conversations, with specific directed emotions...so they learn to put that face, with those words to convey that expression, like anger or fear. He did very well with the tech side of things as well (no suprise there!). I remember that grades were a struggle, and he still never did homework. He failed spelling that year....but was busy learning Latin at the gifted program. I was assured that spelling issues were a frequent problem with gifted children because they learn to read before they learn to spell rather than at the same time. I don't know...I think that AS gifted kids have trouble spelling. Anyway...he auditioned and was accepted to a magnet school for drama focus. We were very excited because he knew a bunch of the kids that were already in the program from the community theatre.
We had an incident just before school got out for the summer. He had one of those giant sized pencils. Well, he was forever forgetting to bring his supplies to school...so he decided to try and use that pencil in class, but it needed to be sharpened. Now, in hindsight a NT kid would have brought a different pencil, or asked the teacher for help, or brought it home to sharpen. My son took his pocket knife to school and proceeded to get it out at the start of class to sharpen his pencil. By the time I got to the school, the police were already involved. He was suspended immediately pending an investigation. Looking back, it was very odd that the school requested that he come in for standardized testing for 5 of the 10 days of his suspension....but I took him figuring that if they tried to say he was such a danger...it wouldn't hold up in court if they asked him to come back. We meet with the school district head lady....and she unsuspended him, but that was the last day of 5th grade. It didn't affect his entrance to the drama program though.
6th, 7th and 8th were a blur.....all three of us were involved in the theatre...Alex had great teachers...he got to go on school field trips to Atlanta, DC, and NYC. He seemed to have friends...the kids he hung out with at school were the kids he hung out with at home, because they all did the same after school activities, or were my friends kids. He still hadn't outgrown his Pokemon craze and his best friend was actually a senior in HS (who probably had AS). His grades were ok...several times he was on the honor roll. He was a junior scholar. He told me he didn't understand the middle school dating rules, that "revenge dating" didn't make sense to him. Where a girl goes out with one boy just to make another jealous. I was assured he was very "mature" socially and would bloom in high school and college.
The summer between 8th grade and high school....I had a whirlwind romance and was married within 3 months to Step-dad. Soon after, I adopted his son...who was the same age as my youngest. Alex seemed to get much worse after that....or else I just became sensitized. Having another NT kid in the house provided a stark contrast to what was going on with Alex. Then he started high school (with all the same kids in the same drama focus program), and decided he was having so much fun with theatre...that he didn't do any homework. For the first time, he began to fall behind due to lack of homework. Algebra 2 was a struggle when he never did any assignments. I felt like I was being judged (I wasn't but I felt like it) by Step-dad because I hadn't taught him better work ethics. The younger 2 started middle school....and both had straight A's and were doing homework without prompts. Alex also had his own room for the first time ever, and began to spend more and more time alone.
To make matters worse, for him....the family made the decision to move half way across the country. He had to change houses, change schools and leave the kids that he had gone to school with for 4+ years. Where he came from the drama kids are more popular than the football players.....it was a very special school. The school he moved to was a massive super school. Still, his teachers assured us he was bright, social, polite....he just had an aversion to classwork. Don't worry, they would say...he'll do fine in college. After much yelling, grounding, harassing, counseling sessions, med adjustments....he managed to finish up the 10th grade year with nothing less than a C and a couple of Bs.
By the end of the school year, the psychologist and psychiatrist he was seeing suggested that we have him tested for Aspergers....and by September of 2011 at the age of 16 1/2....he was finally diagnosed. So far, things have gotten worse not better!
Third grade was the year his father and I got divorced. Over the summer before 4th, we moved to a new house and he went to a new school...with Mrs. Wonderful, the worlds best teacher. I started dating again, a guy who's son I was convinced had AS. Strange how I could see all the signs in him but not my own son. This kid was a great kid...but definately had AS. He loved to turn in circles, hated to be touched or hugged...even by his parents. He couldn't make eye contact and would look down and away when asked a question. He would answer questions with brief sentences. He had a NT younger sister, who was the same age as my AS kiddo. Those 4 made quite the group. Nobody thought any behaviors were strange....everyone understood weird or odd behaviors.
At this point, Alex, my son was deeply involved in community theatre. I have read recently that it is a great activity for AS kids. They seem to have no stage fright, their loud speech and over exaggerated facial expressions are prized. They memorize scripts of conversations, with specific directed emotions...so they learn to put that face, with those words to convey that expression, like anger or fear. He did very well with the tech side of things as well (no suprise there!). I remember that grades were a struggle, and he still never did homework. He failed spelling that year....but was busy learning Latin at the gifted program. I was assured that spelling issues were a frequent problem with gifted children because they learn to read before they learn to spell rather than at the same time. I don't know...I think that AS gifted kids have trouble spelling. Anyway...he auditioned and was accepted to a magnet school for drama focus. We were very excited because he knew a bunch of the kids that were already in the program from the community theatre.
We had an incident just before school got out for the summer. He had one of those giant sized pencils. Well, he was forever forgetting to bring his supplies to school...so he decided to try and use that pencil in class, but it needed to be sharpened. Now, in hindsight a NT kid would have brought a different pencil, or asked the teacher for help, or brought it home to sharpen. My son took his pocket knife to school and proceeded to get it out at the start of class to sharpen his pencil. By the time I got to the school, the police were already involved. He was suspended immediately pending an investigation. Looking back, it was very odd that the school requested that he come in for standardized testing for 5 of the 10 days of his suspension....but I took him figuring that if they tried to say he was such a danger...it wouldn't hold up in court if they asked him to come back. We meet with the school district head lady....and she unsuspended him, but that was the last day of 5th grade. It didn't affect his entrance to the drama program though.
6th, 7th and 8th were a blur.....all three of us were involved in the theatre...Alex had great teachers...he got to go on school field trips to Atlanta, DC, and NYC. He seemed to have friends...the kids he hung out with at school were the kids he hung out with at home, because they all did the same after school activities, or were my friends kids. He still hadn't outgrown his Pokemon craze and his best friend was actually a senior in HS (who probably had AS). His grades were ok...several times he was on the honor roll. He was a junior scholar. He told me he didn't understand the middle school dating rules, that "revenge dating" didn't make sense to him. Where a girl goes out with one boy just to make another jealous. I was assured he was very "mature" socially and would bloom in high school and college.
The summer between 8th grade and high school....I had a whirlwind romance and was married within 3 months to Step-dad. Soon after, I adopted his son...who was the same age as my youngest. Alex seemed to get much worse after that....or else I just became sensitized. Having another NT kid in the house provided a stark contrast to what was going on with Alex. Then he started high school (with all the same kids in the same drama focus program), and decided he was having so much fun with theatre...that he didn't do any homework. For the first time, he began to fall behind due to lack of homework. Algebra 2 was a struggle when he never did any assignments. I felt like I was being judged (I wasn't but I felt like it) by Step-dad because I hadn't taught him better work ethics. The younger 2 started middle school....and both had straight A's and were doing homework without prompts. Alex also had his own room for the first time ever, and began to spend more and more time alone.
To make matters worse, for him....the family made the decision to move half way across the country. He had to change houses, change schools and leave the kids that he had gone to school with for 4+ years. Where he came from the drama kids are more popular than the football players.....it was a very special school. The school he moved to was a massive super school. Still, his teachers assured us he was bright, social, polite....he just had an aversion to classwork. Don't worry, they would say...he'll do fine in college. After much yelling, grounding, harassing, counseling sessions, med adjustments....he managed to finish up the 10th grade year with nothing less than a C and a couple of Bs.
By the end of the school year, the psychologist and psychiatrist he was seeing suggested that we have him tested for Aspergers....and by September of 2011 at the age of 16 1/2....he was finally diagnosed. So far, things have gotten worse not better!
In the beginning....Revised from my first blog Jan 2012
Ok, so I've never blogged before but I thought I needed a way to share my frustrations in dealing and loving my newly diagnosed Asperger's son. We've had the diagnosis for two whole months now and it has been a total roller coaster.
My number one feeling since diagnosis is guilt. How could I not have realized what was wrong with my son for so long. He is a 16 year old...and has had symptoms since soon after birth, I suppose...we just thought he was a unique kid. He still is a unique kid...but now a unique kid with a diagnosis.
Why, you might ask, did we push to have a kid who is making B's and C's in all honors classes in high school (some parents I am sure are jealous), and otherwise seemingly thriving, to get diagnosed with Aspergers? Because, I was tired of making excuses about his hygiene and other unique characteristics to his father, step-father and friends and step-brother. I guess I felt like I needed to prove that there was something wrong with him...and that I wasn't just a bad mom who couldn't teach her son to shower every day and had to remind him at 16 to use shampoo when he washes his hair. I was looking for a reason why he can't remember that he needs to wear clean clothes every day...but his 13 year old brother understands. I was looking for a reason to prove that I didn't just raise him to be lazy and not do homework...maybe there is a medical reason why he just can't remember things....
He was always special and super bright! Funny, all the cute stories I told about him as a child, now all point to Asperger's. His first word was ball...at 9 months. By 12 months, he could tell you whether it was a baseball, football, basketball or soccer ball. At 15 months...he said his first full sentence, "Da dog got da ball". (Sure enough, the dog was running around the back yard with a ball in his mouth. At 18 months, he noticed there was a ball in the night sky....and when I told him it was the moon...he decided to call it a "Moonball". At 19 months, he could say his entire ABC's. I suppose, looking back, his first "special interest" was balls.
Verbally, he was very advanced....and physically he was a huge 9 1b baby with a great big head (a big brain they assured me). His motor skills were sadly behind. At the time I was doing a residency in pediatrics at a local children's hospital (yep...I am a pediatrician) and curbside consulted a developmental doctor when he still wasn't walking at 15 months. "Don't worry" , she said, "He's just a big baby and it takes a lot of muscle to move all that mass!". He went to a terrific day care here in town, where they advanced him, based on size and verbal ability and intellect, much more quickly than the other kids. I didn't even really pay attention until a few years ago, watching an old movie of my son's birthday at the daycare. You can hear me distinctly telling another child, "No, Alex isn't turning 4 like all of you...he is just now turning 3."
My first warning sign that something wasn't right, actually wasn't until we packed up and moved to South Carolina, when he was 3 1/2. I remember being at my new partner's house (as a brand new fresh out of residency "real doctor") and Alex was running back and forth all over her living room and she asked "Does he ever stop?" She was impressed that he had read the name of the VHS movie that she had hand written though. He was kicked out of his new daycare in a matter of months, because he was a "bad kid" who never listened. WTH? He was at his old daycare from 4 months to 3 1/2 years old and they thought he was a joy and wonderful. (of course...hindsight says he was placed with the 5 year olds). My husband (at the time) and I moved him to an extremely expensive (read public college tuition would have been cheaper) preschool, where with the exception of a few glitches...he did well.
He apparently stabbed a little girl in the neck with a fork one day at lunch. I personally take exception to the stabbed part. I examined the child myself and there was not a mark on her! Can you actually stab without drawing blood? Wouldn't that be more of a poke? Anyway, another time he grabbed the teachers chest and said, "Boobies, boobies". But I blame that on his dad...he taught him that one at 15 months as a joke. Alex was still very precocious...but not obsessed with animals. He had all kinds of animal books, miniature animals, an animal mural in his room...and preferred Animal Planet to cartoons. I took him to meet Jack Hannah and get an autograph when he was 5. (I thought he was so smart...he wanted to be an endangered animal neonatologist....but can we say special interest number 2?) One day at 4 years old at dinner, he asked, "How do pandas mate?". I said, "What?" I wasn't sure I had heard him right. Alex sighed and said, "How do pandas make baby pandas?". Like I didn't know what the term mate meant! I told him to go ask his dad...who nicely explained, "The same way mommies and daddies make baby brothers." Thankfully, that was enough for him...and thankfully we warned his teacher so she was prepared for..."How do koalas mate?" She answered, "The same way pandas do." I later realized that the Discovery Channel was running a special on the giant pandas. I was so proud when he graduated 4 year old preschool with the math and science award. Little did I know that maybe I should have paid attention to the teacher saying proudly, "Alex loves the math center! All he wants to do is add and subtract...so we let him. While the other kids are listening to group story time, Alex is off by himself doing math. We don't worry about it...since he is doing so well with his reading too".
Kindergarten was the beginning of a nightmare. Three weeks into private parochial school in S.C. I was called into conference. I had asked for placement in their "Advanced" Kindergarten...since Alex could read, add and subtract single digit numbers by the age of 5. The teacher accused me of lying to her. She said he didn't even know his vowels. (umm...my fault...when he could read the word zebra, does it really matter if he knows the vowels are A,E,I,O,U?) She said he was sitting under the table, hitting, not following the rules and didn't even know how to count. WTH? Is she really talking about my son?? By now his activity level was extreme...so after visiting with my partner....we decided to start him on Vitamin R....Ritalin. His father was not happy. I guess he thought that was a sign of a bad parent that we needed our son medicated? Oh well...he got over it quickly when he saw how great it worked. Two hours into the very first dose, I got a call from Mrs. Witch the teacher. (Did I mention that she had told me that my son was the worst child she had ever taught in 14 years of teaching? And she had a son with ADHD and she had said that wasn't the issue...he was just a bad child?....and I was paying $ for this?) Anyway, Mrs. Witch says...what did you do to him? I asked what she meant. She said, "I marked him absent because I hadn't had to yell at him all morning so I figured he wasn't here (In Kindergarten?? Again, I am paying $$$ for this??). Oh, and did you know he can read?".
The birds were singing....the sun was shining...we knew what was wrong! Our precious, precocious little boy had ADHD! The next few years go by in a blur. Math was his favorite thing. I taught him to multiply one night between ordering a pizza and getting it...he did math workbooks instead of coloring. He started listening to Harry Potter audio books. His baby brother moved into the animal room and he got a new big boy "Harry Potter" room. He decided that he was going to be President of the United States, and started following politics (in 1st grade). He decided on Undergraduated at Duke, Law School at Harvard, and then home to be Mayor, then State Senator, then US Senator, then President. (also first grade). He was the youngest child at the school to ever learn to cheat on a test....again 1st grade. He could talk anyone into anything. We put him in a special soccer program that didn't keep score...because he wanted to play but running wasn't his thing. He did one year...and we promptly switched to cub scouts as better suited to his lack of motor skills. He and I had great in depth conversations...but occasionally I would have to explain a common word to him (but define it with a much more complex word). I can't point to one special interest at this time...perhaps the ADHD had him jumping from one special interest to another....but I do remember he had a restaurant mint collection. By Third grade...life at that school was unbearable. His evil teacher told him he wasn't as smart as the other kids because he wouldn't do his work, and didn't make straight A's. I asked her what the consequences for not doing work were...she said they weren't allowed to punish them for not getting it done. She didn't like when I laughed and told her that if there was no reason for me to do it....I'd never turn it in either.....
His self esteem in shambles...he move to public school....where he was promptly placed in the gifted program. (Amazingly, they didn't count spelling scores in his gpa because at 4th grade level...he still couldn't spell "CAT" or "GREAT" correctly). His 4th grade teacher...we'll call her Mrs. Wonderful, told me that Alex was "always going to be a C student...it didn't matter if we put him in honors or remedial....he'd never do his homework and always wind up with C's...so we might as well put him in the most advanced classes so he doesn't get bored". Mrs. Wonderful was a brilliant teacher, who assigned the cutest/sweetest girl in class to sit next to Alex. His little guardian angel would make sure he had his assignments written down and all the right books in his back pack (she will make a great teacher or mother someday). Alex was more that willing to accept this assistance, because he had a big crush on her and loved the one on one attention. The next morning, she would help him unpack his bag and turn in his assignments. Mrs. Wonderful recognized his handwriting difficulties (he couldn't print because the school from hell believed in cursive exclusively...and his handwriting was horrible). If she couldn't read a spelling word, she would call him to her desk and ask him to verbally spell it for her and if he got it right she gave him credit. She also suggested that I type for him any assignments that were graded on neatness, and to start teaching him how to type. How I wish I could go back to those days...because at the high school level...it isn't quite that easy! By that point....he was taking the maximum FDA recommended doses of what ever stimulant de jour that his psychiatrist had him on. She was convinced, "He is the worst case of 'non-comorbid' ADHD she had seen in 20 years of practice". Ok...first Mrs. Witch and now the Shrink both think my kid is the worst ever? He's so good and sweet for me and Mrs. Wonderful?
I know this is probably boring to everyone who is reading but hopefully things will get more interesting as we go along....I just need to get some perspective on the background....
My number one feeling since diagnosis is guilt. How could I not have realized what was wrong with my son for so long. He is a 16 year old...and has had symptoms since soon after birth, I suppose...we just thought he was a unique kid. He still is a unique kid...but now a unique kid with a diagnosis.
Why, you might ask, did we push to have a kid who is making B's and C's in all honors classes in high school (some parents I am sure are jealous), and otherwise seemingly thriving, to get diagnosed with Aspergers? Because, I was tired of making excuses about his hygiene and other unique characteristics to his father, step-father and friends and step-brother. I guess I felt like I needed to prove that there was something wrong with him...and that I wasn't just a bad mom who couldn't teach her son to shower every day and had to remind him at 16 to use shampoo when he washes his hair. I was looking for a reason why he can't remember that he needs to wear clean clothes every day...but his 13 year old brother understands. I was looking for a reason to prove that I didn't just raise him to be lazy and not do homework...maybe there is a medical reason why he just can't remember things....
He was always special and super bright! Funny, all the cute stories I told about him as a child, now all point to Asperger's. His first word was ball...at 9 months. By 12 months, he could tell you whether it was a baseball, football, basketball or soccer ball. At 15 months...he said his first full sentence, "Da dog got da ball". (Sure enough, the dog was running around the back yard with a ball in his mouth. At 18 months, he noticed there was a ball in the night sky....and when I told him it was the moon...he decided to call it a "Moonball". At 19 months, he could say his entire ABC's. I suppose, looking back, his first "special interest" was balls.
Verbally, he was very advanced....and physically he was a huge 9 1b baby with a great big head (a big brain they assured me). His motor skills were sadly behind. At the time I was doing a residency in pediatrics at a local children's hospital (yep...I am a pediatrician) and curbside consulted a developmental doctor when he still wasn't walking at 15 months. "Don't worry" , she said, "He's just a big baby and it takes a lot of muscle to move all that mass!". He went to a terrific day care here in town, where they advanced him, based on size and verbal ability and intellect, much more quickly than the other kids. I didn't even really pay attention until a few years ago, watching an old movie of my son's birthday at the daycare. You can hear me distinctly telling another child, "No, Alex isn't turning 4 like all of you...he is just now turning 3."
My first warning sign that something wasn't right, actually wasn't until we packed up and moved to South Carolina, when he was 3 1/2. I remember being at my new partner's house (as a brand new fresh out of residency "real doctor") and Alex was running back and forth all over her living room and she asked "Does he ever stop?" She was impressed that he had read the name of the VHS movie that she had hand written though. He was kicked out of his new daycare in a matter of months, because he was a "bad kid" who never listened. WTH? He was at his old daycare from 4 months to 3 1/2 years old and they thought he was a joy and wonderful. (of course...hindsight says he was placed with the 5 year olds). My husband (at the time) and I moved him to an extremely expensive (read public college tuition would have been cheaper) preschool, where with the exception of a few glitches...he did well.
He apparently stabbed a little girl in the neck with a fork one day at lunch. I personally take exception to the stabbed part. I examined the child myself and there was not a mark on her! Can you actually stab without drawing blood? Wouldn't that be more of a poke? Anyway, another time he grabbed the teachers chest and said, "Boobies, boobies". But I blame that on his dad...he taught him that one at 15 months as a joke. Alex was still very precocious...but not obsessed with animals. He had all kinds of animal books, miniature animals, an animal mural in his room...and preferred Animal Planet to cartoons. I took him to meet Jack Hannah and get an autograph when he was 5. (I thought he was so smart...he wanted to be an endangered animal neonatologist....but can we say special interest number 2?) One day at 4 years old at dinner, he asked, "How do pandas mate?". I said, "What?" I wasn't sure I had heard him right. Alex sighed and said, "How do pandas make baby pandas?". Like I didn't know what the term mate meant! I told him to go ask his dad...who nicely explained, "The same way mommies and daddies make baby brothers." Thankfully, that was enough for him...and thankfully we warned his teacher so she was prepared for..."How do koalas mate?" She answered, "The same way pandas do." I later realized that the Discovery Channel was running a special on the giant pandas. I was so proud when he graduated 4 year old preschool with the math and science award. Little did I know that maybe I should have paid attention to the teacher saying proudly, "Alex loves the math center! All he wants to do is add and subtract...so we let him. While the other kids are listening to group story time, Alex is off by himself doing math. We don't worry about it...since he is doing so well with his reading too".
Kindergarten was the beginning of a nightmare. Three weeks into private parochial school in S.C. I was called into conference. I had asked for placement in their "Advanced" Kindergarten...since Alex could read, add and subtract single digit numbers by the age of 5. The teacher accused me of lying to her. She said he didn't even know his vowels. (umm...my fault...when he could read the word zebra, does it really matter if he knows the vowels are A,E,I,O,U?) She said he was sitting under the table, hitting, not following the rules and didn't even know how to count. WTH? Is she really talking about my son?? By now his activity level was extreme...so after visiting with my partner....we decided to start him on Vitamin R....Ritalin. His father was not happy. I guess he thought that was a sign of a bad parent that we needed our son medicated? Oh well...he got over it quickly when he saw how great it worked. Two hours into the very first dose, I got a call from Mrs. Witch the teacher. (Did I mention that she had told me that my son was the worst child she had ever taught in 14 years of teaching? And she had a son with ADHD and she had said that wasn't the issue...he was just a bad child?....and I was paying $ for this?) Anyway, Mrs. Witch says...what did you do to him? I asked what she meant. She said, "I marked him absent because I hadn't had to yell at him all morning so I figured he wasn't here (In Kindergarten?? Again, I am paying $$$ for this??). Oh, and did you know he can read?".
The birds were singing....the sun was shining...we knew what was wrong! Our precious, precocious little boy had ADHD! The next few years go by in a blur. Math was his favorite thing. I taught him to multiply one night between ordering a pizza and getting it...he did math workbooks instead of coloring. He started listening to Harry Potter audio books. His baby brother moved into the animal room and he got a new big boy "Harry Potter" room. He decided that he was going to be President of the United States, and started following politics (in 1st grade). He decided on Undergraduated at Duke, Law School at Harvard, and then home to be Mayor, then State Senator, then US Senator, then President. (also first grade). He was the youngest child at the school to ever learn to cheat on a test....again 1st grade. He could talk anyone into anything. We put him in a special soccer program that didn't keep score...because he wanted to play but running wasn't his thing. He did one year...and we promptly switched to cub scouts as better suited to his lack of motor skills. He and I had great in depth conversations...but occasionally I would have to explain a common word to him (but define it with a much more complex word). I can't point to one special interest at this time...perhaps the ADHD had him jumping from one special interest to another....but I do remember he had a restaurant mint collection. By Third grade...life at that school was unbearable. His evil teacher told him he wasn't as smart as the other kids because he wouldn't do his work, and didn't make straight A's. I asked her what the consequences for not doing work were...she said they weren't allowed to punish them for not getting it done. She didn't like when I laughed and told her that if there was no reason for me to do it....I'd never turn it in either.....
His self esteem in shambles...he move to public school....where he was promptly placed in the gifted program. (Amazingly, they didn't count spelling scores in his gpa because at 4th grade level...he still couldn't spell "CAT" or "GREAT" correctly). His 4th grade teacher...we'll call her Mrs. Wonderful, told me that Alex was "always going to be a C student...it didn't matter if we put him in honors or remedial....he'd never do his homework and always wind up with C's...so we might as well put him in the most advanced classes so he doesn't get bored". Mrs. Wonderful was a brilliant teacher, who assigned the cutest/sweetest girl in class to sit next to Alex. His little guardian angel would make sure he had his assignments written down and all the right books in his back pack (she will make a great teacher or mother someday). Alex was more that willing to accept this assistance, because he had a big crush on her and loved the one on one attention. The next morning, she would help him unpack his bag and turn in his assignments. Mrs. Wonderful recognized his handwriting difficulties (he couldn't print because the school from hell believed in cursive exclusively...and his handwriting was horrible). If she couldn't read a spelling word, she would call him to her desk and ask him to verbally spell it for her and if he got it right she gave him credit. She also suggested that I type for him any assignments that were graded on neatness, and to start teaching him how to type. How I wish I could go back to those days...because at the high school level...it isn't quite that easy! By that point....he was taking the maximum FDA recommended doses of what ever stimulant de jour that his psychiatrist had him on. She was convinced, "He is the worst case of 'non-comorbid' ADHD she had seen in 20 years of practice". Ok...first Mrs. Witch and now the Shrink both think my kid is the worst ever? He's so good and sweet for me and Mrs. Wonderful?
I know this is probably boring to everyone who is reading but hopefully things will get more interesting as we go along....I just need to get some perspective on the background....
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Too simple for my IQ....or KISS
Keep it simple, Stupid!
I am just starting to blog...I decided to try out the design section and changed my colored background to red...and my width and layout...and apparently whited out one of my post so no one could read it!
Thanks, Lori for having my back and telling me it was "F'd" up...my words not hers!
I blame my kiddos for making stupid mistakes! Just a few minutes ago...this conversation went down at my house!
Me: Alex, how about cooking dinner"
Alex: I thought you were cooking since you thawed out the chicken?
Me: How about you cook stir-fry chicken (AKA Asian Chicken Helper....2 boxes)?
Alex: I don't know how to cook that.
Me: See the back of the box...it says first do step one, then two, then three, then four and then we eat.
I go sit down...thinking...he's got this....
Alex (in the living room): Mom, is this pan big enough?
Me: No, you should use the bigger one.
Alex: But it isn't clean!
Me: That's why we own soap!
He is cooking dinner....and I am screwing up blogging so I think the score is even for the night! (But, I get the win for having him cook!)
AND, before anyone starts to feel sorry for him, this is a kid who has made rissoto's from scratch and baked bread from scratch just two weeks ago...so Hamburger Helper shouldn't be too hard for him! He's also tackled Schnitzle and noodles and homemade pretzels....the boy can cook.
Apparently, we do complicated in our house WAY better than simple.
Changing the saying...."Too simple for my IQ" instead of Keep it simple, stupid!
I am just starting to blog...I decided to try out the design section and changed my colored background to red...and my width and layout...and apparently whited out one of my post so no one could read it!
Thanks, Lori for having my back and telling me it was "F'd" up...my words not hers!
I blame my kiddos for making stupid mistakes! Just a few minutes ago...this conversation went down at my house!
Me: Alex, how about cooking dinner"
Alex: I thought you were cooking since you thawed out the chicken?
Me: How about you cook stir-fry chicken (AKA Asian Chicken Helper....2 boxes)?
Alex: I don't know how to cook that.
Me: See the back of the box...it says first do step one, then two, then three, then four and then we eat.
I go sit down...thinking...he's got this....
Alex (in the living room): Mom, is this pan big enough?
Me: No, you should use the bigger one.
Alex: But it isn't clean!
Me: That's why we own soap!
He is cooking dinner....and I am screwing up blogging so I think the score is even for the night! (But, I get the win for having him cook!)
AND, before anyone starts to feel sorry for him, this is a kid who has made rissoto's from scratch and baked bread from scratch just two weeks ago...so Hamburger Helper shouldn't be too hard for him! He's also tackled Schnitzle and noodles and homemade pretzels....the boy can cook.
Apparently, we do complicated in our house WAY better than simple.
Changing the saying...."Too simple for my IQ" instead of Keep it simple, stupid!
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